i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
