Four minutes until I can fart!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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