Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
