i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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