my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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