I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
