why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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