1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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