I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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