her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
