The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
