I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
