we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
