i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my being single is dangerous.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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