therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
