If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
