We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
