I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
