You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
