I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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