i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
