I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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