Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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