Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
