haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
