My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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