I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
