Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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