I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Please, let me fuck your mom
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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