i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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