he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
