Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Actions speak louder than pants.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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