i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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