ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize