Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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