I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize