This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
