I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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