Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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