Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
