I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
