does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
