I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
