is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
