I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
