Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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