My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
