can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think I just shit out all my problems.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize