She went from zero to smokin in five shots
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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