I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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