Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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