I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
