She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
