Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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