I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
