This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
