And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
