At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
