Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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