I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize