My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Two words: blizzard sex
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
